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03 September 2006 @ 05:19 am
Just In-Cases  

"Perhaps I am a miscreation? No one knows the truth, there is no future here." - Dar Williams: "Are You Out There?"

Okay, so this is just because I can, and because I'm shitscared and no-one knows about it as yet, so I'm talking here. Cope. You have no choice.

Today was just, well, not bad, bad is not the word, but it's left me shitscared (see 'How I'm Feeling:') so yeah... Let me explain.

Explanation behind the cut. I apologise in advance for the bad language and indignant italics but really they are there for a reason - I need to rant and I can't talk 'cause I'm a 21st century kid who believes MSN is the way forward for any type of conversation requiring emotion - you can cry (if you're on webcam well get off you idiot), think about what you're about to say while you're saying it and not make so much of a prat of yourself. So yeah, it might not be the same if all goes well, but is that always really the case? Besides, MSN you only have to be sitting at your computer at the same time. Actual conversations require being in a room, the same room, preferably alone. (Bar said other person, of course...)

Anywaaaay!

Oh, please don't read this if you have any worries of your own/care about me in any way. It rants; and most likely horribly exaggerates too - but I'm paranoid and I'll quite healthily admit it. At least I hope to merryhell and back I'm being paranoid, 'cause if not then well guys and dolls I'm about as fucked as a Chinese rabbit - so there you go. Enjoy.

I went to a friend's birthday party, and there were two other friends there, well, after a bit. Originally, there were two - my friend (having the birthday, we'll call her 'Friend N'), another friend, who'd stayed the night (he's 'Friend S') and, after a bit, a friend of Friend N's and I's (let's call her 'Friend J'). Following? Right, there should be four of us. Re-read if you wish, but hurry, I don't have all night.

Bad Thing Number One:
- Almost jumped out the car to get in the house. Suspicion is evil. Also think heads may have been seen when heads shouldn't be. Shiiiit. Most of that is my paranoia, granted, as is most of this actually, but still - bear with me.

Bad Thing Number Two:
- Heads were possibly seen. I don't know this. I pray to God just no.

Bad Thing Number Three:
- Was told that something bad was going to happen, well, the feeling was had that something bad was going to happen, and coping would not be done... I now have that feeling. Not bloody good!!

Bad Thing Number Four:
- Calling back to where bad things might happen I slipped up a couple of times. For example:

Them: "What did you do?"
Me: "Zzzzfzwzygz... What?"
Them: "Tell the truth."
Me: "Oh, we went into (insert local town here)."
Them: "Even though it's been chucking it down, didn't you get wet?"
Me: "Well, yeah, but that doesn't matter."

Who the merryfuck goes shopping in the pouring English fucking downpours of September??? NOBODY. It's official - I am a complete and utter bloody moron. (I will think these things through, I will think these things through...)

(Oh - note to all those who don't know me too well - with the people I was talking to: DON'T USE 'Z'S. EVER. IT'S BAD. Hence bad thing = quote: "Zzzzfzwzygz...")

However, I aim to counteract that with the fact that okay yes we went into Durham but we got bored so we came back and had a couple of alcopops... I was hiding the fact I was drunk... But my head is myseriously fine... Alright, so it sucks - but whatever. Small things make a big difference, believe me, it's a fucking big difference. I'll just get the 'drink responsibly' talk - no biggie. Like I haven't wanted to drink myself stupid before now. (Haven't! But wanted to...)

Bad Thing Number Five:

- In the same conversation 'Who Is There?' was asked. That means they know something, right? Am I just being paranoid? What the fuck?? Maybe not, but still, I don't think they usually ask that, but it is a party, but still... I was drinking!! I swear blind I was pissed out my head!! Just for God's sake don't find out the truth...

Bad Thing Number Six:

- They possibly heard voices, I don't know, I don't think so but they might. If they did they didn't say anything. Shiny bollocks.

So tomorrow may well just be the worst day of my life if such people decide to explore what I think is their curious nature... Everything could go just Damn Awful. I really don't want it to because, mostly, I'm happy now... Not as bad as I was... Well... A year and a half ago. This is not fair. Paranoia is a bastard.

I feel a bit better now... *shrug* Oh well, who needs an education anyways? This is called Just In-Cases just in-case I can't get online for a stupidly long time... Likely. If they find out. I'll guess I'll just do what I vowed to do ages ago...

And as Freddie Mercury said:

"Who lives forever anyway?" - Queen: "Who Wants To Live Forever?"

I haven't slept (like I could anyway) and I'm developing Daxxy tendencies.

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Feeling: nervousShitscared.
Listening To: Queen: "Who Wants To Live Forever?"